101 Ways to Annoy FerretFace
by Sotto
Summary: The title's pretty much selfexplanitory. Please read and review! Rated for later chapters.
1. Prologue

Trapper yawned as he leaned back in his chair. Setting down his "gin", he lied down on his cot and began to doze off, unaware of the rather rude awakening that was headed his way via Hawkeye.

"HEY! TRAP! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!"

The younger man skidded into the tent, clutching a piece of paper and a couple books. Trapper bolted awake, yelping as he leapt about a foot in the air. Hawkeye grinned apologetically at him before speaking in a rather rushed, frantic voice.

"So, I was just walking across the compound from the latrine when I saw this huge flash! You know… Just like the ones that make Mary-Sues appear. Well, I went toward it, expecting to see **_another_** girl, but instead I found these." He somehow managed to say this in one breath. After motioning frantically to the paper and books, he continued, "I already read the note… It's from two girls who claim to be our biggest fans."

"Well, read it to me!" Trapper said crossly. He was not quite ready to forgive Hawkeye for awakening him ever-so-rudely.

"'Dear Poodle-Head and Hawky-Walky-Talky," Both men winced at the nicknames. "'We're writing to complain about the future. Practical jokers and regular pests seem to have gone extinct… At least in the original sense. Enclosed are books titled, "The Practical Joker's Hand Guide" and "101 Ways to Annoy People". As you will see, they suck eggs. In order to restore our faith in jokers and pests, we are extending this challenge. Write a book titled, "101 Ways to Annoy Ferret-Face" and set it by the latrine. We'll find it. You are being forced to do this. If you don't, we will send many, **_MANY_** Mary-Sues to haunt you.'" At this, Trapper gasped in horror. Hawkeye, having already read it, wasn't as shocked. "'If you still won't write it, we'll have you guys experience male-pregnancies.'" Once again, Trapper gasped. "'Oh yes… And please leave autographs by the book! We're your biggest fans!

Your Fan girls,

Sotto and JK'"

"Do we really have to?" Trapper whined.

"'PS: Yes.'"

"Can't we just leave the autographs?"

"'PPS: No.'"

"I thought male-pregnancies were physically impossible!"

"'PPPS: In the world of fanfiction, anything is possible.'"

"How are you doing this!"

"'PPPPS: We're fanfiction authors… NYAH!'"

Trapper grumbled angrily.

"'PPPPPS: Stop whining.'"

> > >

"Wow… They were right… These books DO suck…"

"MAGGOTS IN YOUR FOOD! That's just crude."

"Hmmm… Repeating everything someone else says… That's childish even to MY standards…"

"And yours happen to be very low."

"HEY!"

"Hey… Look at this… The "Rules of Practical Joking"…

1. Don't hurt anyone

2. Don't make a mess

3. Make lots of smiles"

"I think I'm gonna puke."

"You're not the only one."

Other comments such as these were exchanged until finally, the two were finished reading.

"I guess we'd better get started." Hawkeye said with a sigh as he set his book down.

"I guess we'd better…" Trapper agreed.

> > >

_Hello, fellow practical joker and pest! Welcome to, "101 Ways to Annoy Ferret-Face"! In this book, we will show you numerous practical jokes and just plain pestering tips sure to bring a smile on anyone's face! Except for Ferret-Face, of course…_

_> > >_

**_AN: Hi! Sotto here! I know I haven't posted anything in a while, mainly do to angstiness because took down Know Your Stars and Oprah Winfrey. JK may join up in later chapters and many of the ideas are hers. Please leave reviews for ideas for other numbers! I highly doubt we'll be able to come up with enough! The "Practical Joker's Hand Guide" is an actual book, and for all I know, so is "101 Ways to Annoy People". If people like this, we'll think of sequels for other characters, such as "101 Reasons that I Deserve a Section Eight"! What this basically is is that I'll put one way to annoy Frank and then a one-shot that involves them doing it. Most of the one-shots will be ridiculously short…_**

_**Enjoy!**_


	2. 1 Boxers

_1. Steal all of his boxers._

> > >

Frank seemed more twitchy than usual… If that was possible. He shifted his weight from foot to foot when on duty and glared suspiciously out of the corners of his eyes. Whenever someone threw a glance his way, he would snap angrily at them:

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!"

The subject of his scream now happened to be two army captains, both who were suppressing sniggers at the way he was crossing his legs uncomfortably. Hawkeye spoke.

"Monthly physicals, Frank. Pants off."

"I had mine last week!" Frank retorted, still shirting uncomfortably.

"Your results were lost."

"You did it yourself. You know I'm fit."

"I do, but Trapper doesn't. You need two doctor's opinions."

"Fine. I'll have the colonel check me _**later**_."

"Why do tomorrow what you can do today?"

"We're in the middle of the compound!"

"It's new regulations… Officers get physicals in public in order to show the enlisted what to do."

"Aw… Common, Frank! Just do it now! It's not like you have anything to be ashamed of… You'll be in your boxers…" Trapper added, eager to get his two cents in.

The doctor seemed to have said the magic word, as the expression on Frank's face turned to one of pure horror. "It just so happens that I'm not wearing any!"

"You're not?" Hawkeye and Trapper asked simultaneously, both raising their eyebrows.

"Erm… I mean… It's not your business whether I'm wearing boxers or not!"

"You know, Frank… It's against regulations to go around without underwear…" Hawkeye said casually.

"Yeah… It's our duty to report this…" Trapper added.

"Perhaps to Henry…"

"Or General Clayton…"

"Or your wife…"

Frank took off in the other direction nervously biting his lips.

_Hours later, in Margaret's tent_

"Oh, Frank… How sexy…"

> > >

_**AN: TADA! I told you they would be short. Leave lots of reviews so I won't have to end this with Hawkeye and Trapper dying in order to prevent the book being finished! **_


	3. 2 Limericks

_2. Speak only in limericks._

_ > > >_

"There once was a gypsy with a parrot,

Who played with her tarots,

She read her hand,

And told the man,

'It's your shift, Ferret!'"

Frank grumbled his annoyance and gave an even glare to the speaker. "In English?"

Trappers sighed before continuing.

"My patience is beginning to drop,

I might whack you with a mop,

Get out of bed,

Use your head,

It's your shift in Post-Op!"

The ferret-ish man sighed before getting to his feet. On his way out he murmured something about how, "The **_IRISH_** invented limericks".

"'I might whack you with a mop'?" Hawkeye, who had been lying on his cot sipping a martini during this exchange asked quizzically.

"You think of a line there!"

"Listen to me and stop." He replied without hesitation. Trapper grumbled something about how Hawkeye was to smart for his own good.

_Hours later, in Margaret's tent_

"Honeybunch…" Frank whined. "They just won't stop with the limericks!"

Margaret sighed. "Frank, what do you want me to do about it? The Colonel finds it amusing, so I can't go to him, and it's not important enough to get a general over here…"

"But Margaret…"

"Come here, poor baby." Hot Lips murmured, wrapping her arms around Frank. Honestly, of all the men she could have dated, she chose the whiniest one in the army.

"It's bad enough they treat the North Koreans, but now they quote the **_IRISH_**! I'm ashamed to call them Americans."

"FRANK!" Margaret squawked indignantly as she pushed the other major away. "I'M IRISH!"

"You are?" He asked with distaste before he could help it. Seeing the look on her face, he "attempted" to recover. "I'm sorry baby… It'll never happen again… I didn't-"

Margaret cut him off. "GET OUT! GET YOUR BIGOTED, MARRIED BUTT OUT OF MY TENT, FERRET-FACE!"

_At the Swamp_

"Why, hello there Frank,

What have we to thank,

For you to come,

Looking lonesome,

I assumeyour date stank!" Hawkeye called as Frank entered.

"Irish…" Frank replied angrily.

> > >

**_AN: I apologize for the bad limericks… I'm not talented! I don't have any of Frank's ideas about Irish true. I thought that that would be a good way to get him and Hot Lips fighting. Also, as you might already know, most of these will include a scene in Margaret's tent. Frank whining to Hot Lips is just so fucking funny! To my lovely reviewers:_**

_**Major-Baby: Thanks for reading! If I finish, there should be 103 chapters because of the prologue and the epilogue. That's a big "if", though!**_

_**Highmaintenance: Thank you very kindly for reviewing. I write to please! And I agree… This is very stupid.**_

**_Kooshball: That last line was a bit creepy, but I couldn't resist… It was so obvious to me! I won't start 101 Reasons I Deserve a Section Eight until this one is finished. That probably means it'll never go up, but, oh well. I did deserve to have me fics taken down, though. Both of them broke a ton of rules and I admit that they never should have gone up. Thanks for telling me what you think!_**


	4. 3 Photo

_4. Steal the photo of his mother._

_ > > >_

Poor Frank! It seemed as if nothing went right for him! First those degenerates stole his boxers and then they got his HONEYBUNCH mad at him! At least the didn't poison his wife against him. Oh no… He did that himself! If fact, it seemed the only woman who could stand him at the moment was his mother, and she was in another continent. Oh, well. He had never been one to complain. Hey… Stop laughing… He got back from his shift, which seemed longer than it already was because of nurses constantly reminding him of his fight with Margaret, via giggling and gossiping. He kneeled in front of his cot and snatched his Bible. After flipping through a few pages, be began to read.

_Though shall not commit adultery._ Ok… Maybe he'd read tomorrow. Sighing, he kissed the photo of his mother and reclined on his cot before…

"WHAT!" Frank sat straight up in the air, realizing that what he had kissed was NOT his mother… In fact it was apparently a picture from one of Hawkeye's "medical journals".

"What's wrong, Frank?" Trapper asked lazily. He bit his lip to prevent a childish grin from spreading on his face.

"You… Perverts!"

"What did we do, this time?" Hawkeye sat up, looking rather poe'd at being awoken.

"NUDE HORSEBACK RIDING? Wouldn't that HURT?"

"Suprisingly, it doesn't." Margaret added as she stormed in. One of her bras had gone missing, and in this tent were the three prime suspects.

"How would you know about nude horseback riding?" Hawk asked, a sly grin forming on his face.

"Erm… I… Um…"

While Margaret attempted to find a logical reason to know about that particular sport without actually trying it, Frank directed his anger at Trapper.

"How would you like it if I stole a picture of your wife and kids?"

"Frank… You did that last week!"

At this point, the Swamp entered the state of chaos.

"I did no such thing!"

"Yes you did! It was the one where Becky was in her party dress!"

"Hey, Maggie… Let's get a horse!"

"Erm… My sister… I mean friend… I mean acquaintance… Tried it…"

"Oh… That's right… I did take that!"

"Now that we're on the topic, can I have it back?"

"You can teach me how!"

"ALRIGHT! I DID IT! I RODE A HORSE NAKED! I WAS DRUNK AND-" Margaret shut up, realizing that the tent was in total silence. Frank was staring at her with his mouth ajar, Trapper was raising his eyebrows at her and Hawkeye was grinning widely. It was he who finally broke the silence.

"Now I REALLY want a horse!"

> > >

**AN: Apologies for waiting so long to update… I'm suffering severe writers block. I put this up, even though it's pretty bad because I didn't want to keep anyone waiting longer. Also, tomorrow, I am trying out for "Fiddler on the Roof", and anyone who wishes me luck will get a cookie. Cross your fingers!**

**Highmaintenance: He is? Yeah… I guess that "Mc"… I honestly thoughtall my limerickswere bad, so : ).**

**Kooshball: I may use the eyebrow thing later, depending on whether I run out of ideas. Now that I think about it, you're right… "Parrot" and "ferret" don't rhyme. I thought they did because I pronounce "parrot" as "parret"… The "o" sounds more like an "e" when I say it.**

**Hawk's Soul: (Indignant) I am my own person, you know! (Pouts) Just kidding. JK and I are pretty interchangeable. And thank you for calling me/us brilliant.**

**LongLiveRock: Erm… Sorry, but I did not get that review… Is that other ideas for how to annoy him? Sorry, I'm rather thick, that way.**

**Major-Baby: I've never seen "Princess Bride", so I'll just nod like I know what you're talking about. Depressing stories do tend to get depressing… After my stories got taken down I went on an angst spree and read everthing depressing I could get my greasy little hands on. And I watched "Abyssinia, Henry" one hundred times… Sometimes, you just need something stupid and random, though!**

**JK: After much convincing, I got Demyx to give Jerry back. He's now in the "Fanfiction Related Injuries" ward at the hospital.**

**Thank you, everyone who reviewed!**


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